Pain

I stole a wheelchair from the main hospital for him. It was ten o'clock at night when I wheeled my brother into hell. One woman was asking the A&E for a light. Every word had a Z in it.

'Hasz zanyone gotz za lightzzzz?' She staggered towards a foolish man who answered yes. Before she reached him, she tripped and cracked her cheek on a metal chair. The nurses at reception did not care.

A man was bleeding from at least five different wounds in his face. He was still intoxicated with whatever and was kissing his wife, smearing blood on her chin. He repeatedly advised the room to not pick a fight with a tree.

Another man came out of the GP's office. He was wearing a bed pan for a hat. He claimed the devil was in his head before preaching the most racist political views to the waiting room.

'White jobs for white people. Fucking darkies.' The man was escorted off the premises by security.

We waited here three hours, for the x-ray results.

'Do you want any painkillers?' Asked the doctor. My brother answered no. He could withstand the pain, it was a physical, sharp pain across the top of his foot. The doctor made no such suggestion for me.

Of course, there is no painkiller for guilt. Guilt isn't an illness, it's a sentence - a punishment. Guilt sits in your throat like a ball, with its chain hanging down and coiling in the pit of your stomach.

I'd broken my brother's foot in a football game. It was the most naive tackle and it should never have happened. After the hospital, I dropped him off at his house. It was half one in the morning. He hopped out of the car and fixed himself on the crutches. He closed the door and tapped the window with the base of a crutch. He done it in a way that said, goodbye, don't worry and even though you've fractured my foot, you haven't fractured our friendship.

Traffic lights, brake lights, head lights, street lights - they all splinter into several lines when you look at them through tears. I never want to seem them like that again.






I'm sorry for this being the softest blog I've written so far but it's been a good way to help get over one of the worst nights of my life.